There are many issues that come up surrounding genital surgery for trans people (more commonly known as SRS or Sex Reassignment Surgery). Though these are important issues, another important issue that often gets overlooked is how this impacts relationships. Reactions can be extremely varied between partners of the person having the surgery; some (such as my own partner) are very loving and caring, while others feel uncomfortable with the idea of their partner having the surgery for various reasons.

First, a little bit of background information for those who have partners who plan on having SRS. Techniques have improved immensely for trans women over the years. Surgeons can now produce a set of female genitals that are fully functional for sexual activity. These genitals are often indistinguishable from the genitals of cissexual women, and carry the added bonus of not needing to worry about pregnancy (with that said, you should still practice safer sex, as a transsexual vagina is more susceptible to STIs than a cissexual vagina). However, they require a fair bit of maintenance following surgery. Your partner will need some time to recover, as full healing can take up to a year or more. Orgasms are likely, but aren’t guaranteed, and can take anywhere from a few weeks, to a few years following surgery before they start to occur.

Techniques for trans men still have some way to go. There are two basic techniques, metoidioplasty (where the clitoris is released from the clitoral hood, so that it may function as a small penis, usually around three inches) or phalloplasty (where a full penis is formed, but may not be fully functional for sexual activity). Because of the size of the penis following metoidioplasty, it is usually difficult to use for penetration. Phalloplasty is most often accomplished by taking a skin graft from elsewhere on the body (such as a forearm) and using the tissue to form the penis. The urethra is extended through the penis so your partner may urinate properly, but your partner will be unable to ejaculate. Also with phalloplasty, erections can only be achieved so far by using a manual pump that is implanted in the penis. However, the penis is adequate for penetration. Phalloplasty is a complex procedure that may take multiple surgeries (up to 4) in order to achieve, and can have a long timespan in between surgeries. Each surgery has varied recovery times.

Anyone going through SRS should never go through their surgery alone. If you can be with your partner through the surgery and recovery, be there for your partner. If it is too much for you to handle, make sure your partner has another family member or close friend who can be there to support them. Prior to the surgery, your partner may experience heightened anxiety, fear and doubt surrounding the surgery. Be supportive and help your partner alleviate these fears. Do not pressure your partner to go through with the surgery, as they may realize that the surgery is not right for them. With that said however, do not pressure them to cancel the surgery either, as it needs to be their choice. Support them whatever their choice may be. Follow your partner’s lead during this period. Remember, your partner’s genitals are still healing!

SRS is major surgery and can be very taxing, both physically and emotionally. During recovery, especially for the first month or two following surgery, your partner is likely to be focused on their own recovery, and may not be able to process information as easily as normal. You need to be able to assist your partner with that. This is a time, especially during their hospital stay, for you to be their advocate. Nurses and doctors only know your partner’s medical needs by reading their file, and sometimes can overlook some specific needs. You need to be prepared to speak up for your partner when something isn’t right. Immediately following surgery, your partner will likely be falling in and out of consciousness, and will almost certainly be in a lot of pain. You need to be there to help the hospital staff understand your partners’ needs.

Following your partner’s hospital stay, your partner will likely have very low energy available for daily routines. Especially if your partner is a woman, they will need to focus much of their energy on recovery, healing, and personal maintenance, both for the surgical area, and general hygeine. Do not try to push your partner to maintain household chores during this time. Do make sure, however, that your partner gets up to do simple exercises daily, such as short walks.Your partner may feel restless at times and desire to be more active. However, be aware that your partner may become suddenly fatigued any time.

For trans women, not only will your partner be going through recovery, but they will also be going through some abrupt hormonal changes. The sudden lack of testosterone can temporarily suppress your partners’ sex drive, as well as potentially trigger a period of post-operative depression. Estrogen is also frequently lowered following surgery. Be aware of your partners’ mood changes and, if necessary, help ensure your partner is seeing a doctor if your partner experiences depression. Over time, your partner will need to explore themselves and their new genitals sexually. Do not worry if your partner decides to masturbate, as this will help them get used to their new genitals. When your partner feels ready, they will include you in the process of sexual exploration. For some that may be right away, and for others it may take them some time.

One of the most common issues that can come up for a partner of a trans person is that the partner can find themselves emotionally invested in their partners’ existing genitals. A partner can fear the loss of attraction to their partner because of this, or they can simply fear the loss of their partners’ birth genitals. Some partners worry that they will not enjoy sex with their partner as much when they have the new genitals. If you have any of these fears, it’s important to acknowledge and address them. Do not try to ignore them for your partner’s sake; they will only breed resentment later. However, do not attempt to delay or prevent your partners’ surgery; that will only create resentment on your partner’s part, and will negatively affect your partner’s mental well being as well. Remember, too, that just as you became attached over time to your partner’s birth genitals, you may over time build an attachment to your partner’s new genitals as well.

If you really feel you cannot handle your partners’ surgery, or that you find yourself no longer attracted to your partner (which can and does frequently happen, especially if you identified as straight or gay prior to your partners’ transition), do not try to stay with your partner. Break up, preferably amicably. You’ll be doing both of yourselves a favor by granting the other the freedom to explore healthy sexual relationships with others.

Question: How can you help your transgender partner prepare for and recover from SRS?

Right! On to the important stuff: Orgasms!

This entry will be primarily directed toward trans women, however it works for guys just the same, so dudes, you are welcome to give your feedback as well I say directed primarily at women because this technique has done SO much for my libido and self-confidence; something I hear a lot of trans women struggling with.

Orgasmic sensation was a big deal for me when I started on oestrogen. I really like having orgasms. They are great, yes? But oestrogen has a very big impact on one’s ability to climax, as I well learned. I have heard tales of woe from many a trans woman during the past two years, and I have decided to share the secret of climaxing without physical sensation (or enhancing physical sensation); or “energy orgasm”. Please note that your experience may differ, however, most human beings (if not all) are capable of what I am about to describe. I share this in order to hopefully ease your fears about loss of sensation or libido, whether pre-op, post-op, or non-op.

Before I start, I will give a brief explanation to help you understand what I am talking about. There is a difference between orgasm and ejaculation. In fact, they are completely separate processes! When penis-owners have sex, or masturbate, the ejaculation causes a very brief orgasm, unless facilitated by proper breathing (also, ejaculation may occur without orgasm). The following technique will assist you in reaching more powerful, and longer-lasting, orgasms with or without ejaculation or even physical sensation. Remember, the following is based on my own experience as a male-to-female transgender woman. Hormone replacement has likely played a big part in how I experience this sensation.

So, follow these easy steps, and in a gasped breath of ecstasy, you will thank the cosmos for bringing you this secret arcane knowledge! Well, okay, it’s not easy for everyone, especially people who used to have the potent combination of a penis and testosterone. I am here to tell you that it is possible. You do not need to be born a woman to achieve this state, as per common belief. With breathing alone, you can have an orgasm more powerful than you have ever imagined

The technique is commonly referred to as full wave breathing. It is circular breathing with a conscious control of your body’s energy. Now, if you were like me a year ago, you are likely thinking “Oh, that mystical rubbish? That’s not real.” Well, whether or not humans can manifest clean socks or speak to the departed, body energy is most certainly real, and conscious control over it is most certainly possible. I speak as a fellow skeptic when I say “Trust me! This works!” Like I said, learning full wave breathing can be difficult for some. If trying it on your own doesn’t work for you, then you can probably find someone in your area who teaches it.

Step 1: Prepare As you learn how to do this, you won’t need this step. When learning, though, it is easiest to sex up your environment. Lie on your back, prop your head up on a comfy pillow, make yourself totally comfortable and relaxed. I like to turn off the lights, light some candles, and get some good sexy music playing. I also really like black lights. A lot. They are sexy.

Step 2: Get In The Mood Half of what you are about to do is in your mind. The brain is the biggest sex organ, and after experiencing the energy orgasm, I now understand why they say that. It’s not like sex with a cock and testosterone typically is. You have to get in the mood; your body has to generate sexual energy. Move around, squirm in a sexy fashion, make sexy noises, picture yourself as the very image of sexual arousal. You are a sexy vixen! You also want to maintain these movements throughout; but make them subtle. You want to concentrate on your breathing, not any elaborate movements.

Step 3: Breathe This is the part where you let go of all inhibitions. Let go of all stress, all scepticism, and start to breathe in a circular motion. This means that you try to transition your inhaling and exhaling so that one flows into the other. Visualise a wheel turning, and your breathing following the wheel. You are one with the wheel!

Step 4: Squeeze Your Pee Muscle Actually, it’s called the pubococcygeus muscle. It’s the muscle you contract when you want to stop yourself from peeing. Contract it and hold it in every time you exhale; then let it go when you begin to inhale. Do that with every breath.

Step 5: Visualise Now visualise all that sexual energy you’ve generated sweeping up your body in waves as you breathe. I see it as a purple wave, but that’s just me. First, let it reach the base of your spine, then once you start to feel tingly there, visualise it going up to your abdomen, then your solar plexus, then your chest, your throat, then your brow. When I reach my brow, I feel the tingly sensation as a ring around my head, as though I were wearing a hat, but it’s tingly and warm. Finally, when you’re aroused enough, release all that energy upward through the crown of your head, aaaand…

Step 6: Orgasm! The sensation of an energy orgasm can be anywhere from very subtle to toe-curling glass-shattering mind-blowingly powerful. The amount of energy you get out of it, as with all things, equals the amount of energy you put into it. If you are familiar with meditation, this technique will come easily to you. To those who don’t meditate, it takes a little longer to learn. The most important thing is believing that it can be done. Take it from me; it can.

Of course, the technique and result will differ from person to person. This is evident in the myriad names and taught techniques for this phenomenon, whether full wave orgasm, energy orgasm, tantric orgasm, fire breath orgasm… and the list goes on. It took me nearly a month of trying this every other night before I finally did it, but I’ve heard of others achieving an amazing result on the first try. The technique reportedly also not only works for men, but actually gives them more endurance to boot!

Personally, I found that my experience was much like how a female orgasm is typically described. They are less physically stimulating, but much more emotionally satisfying. It’s not about focusing on the genitals, but about absorbing the environment around you.

I would love to hear others’ experiences with orgasmic breathing, and if/how it has helped you; especially if this tutorial helped you/hindered you.

There you are! Have fun, kittens Hope this is useful to you.

Tris

Sometimes the most profound changes to one’s sensation and libido occur right at the start of transition. These changes are primarily psychological at this stage. This is a stage of liberation, where we become more free to be ourselves, and to express ourselves accordingly. Consequently, your sexuality will change accordingly. At this stage, one of two things often happens: either you will feel more comfortable with your sexuality as you learn ways to express your gender in a more comfortable manner, or you will feel less comfortable with your sexuality as you become hyper-aware of the dysphoria surrounding your body. In both these cases, the libido is affected profoundly, and accordingly.

The second stage comes with the introduction of hormones. Again, there are two directions this can go in: either the libido can go up, or it can go down. Luckily, sensation is typically more regular here. For both men an women, sensation tends to increase, though in different ways. Men become more sensitive, especially at the clitoris. At this stage, the clitoris can also grow, up to half an inch in length, and, perhaps not suprisingly, begins to behave much like a penis. It’s been reported that activities such as riding bikes or vehicles can create a buzzing sensation in the clitoris for men who are starting testosterone.

For women, estrogen helps soften the skin, and as a result, the skin becomes much more sensitive as well. This is often accompanied by decreased sensation in the penis, and a decrease in the strength and frequency of erections. With the changes in skin sensation, often the libido will shift, placing a higher emphasis on receiving sensation throughout the body, and less focus on penile stimulation. With breast growth, the nipples can get very sensitive as well. One of the authors noticed that after about 6 months on estrogen,, she almost required breast stimulation in order to orgasm!

Finally, SRS can have a massive impact on both libido and sensation. This is a time where both the genitals have been changed significantly, and the body also has an abrupt change in the hormones it naturally produces. No longer are estrogen, testosterone and progesterone all competing with each other for similar receptors. Due to these big changes to your body, the effects are wildly unpredictable. Some people experience a heightened sensation as nerves recover, and for some, the nerves don’t recover as well, so sensation can be reduced. Likewise, the change in hormones can raise or lower libido, or even simply change the nature of it, without doing either. However, one thing that does generally happen is an immediate lowering of libido as the body repairs itself after surgery. This can last up to a year or longer, though libido does generally return to a stable level over time. Women who have SRS can generally expect to wait up to a year before their first orgasm, while men who have had phalloplasties can often expect lowered sensation and difficulty with getting erections.

Question: What changes in your libido and/or sensation have you experienced during your transition?

Dildos
Talk to someone new to sex toys and the first thing that will come to mind will be the dildo. These come in all shapes, sizes, colours and materials. Of course, when you’re a pre/non-op trans woman, they don’t immediately seem all that useful. However, the right dildo can work wonders for anal play, especially if you’re just starting out. You don’t want to go straight into inserting something large like a full erect penis right away, so start off with a small butt plug, preferably one with a widening shaft, to help you ease into a larger diameter. Just make sure you use one with a flared base, to prevent the dildo from going all the way in.

For pre/non-op trans men, the strap-on is for the most part, a pretty intuitive option. It’s a common option for lesbian couples (though not as common as straight men would like to think!). What guy doesn’t want to strap on a big cock? This can work with harder dildos meant for penetration, or with soft packers for everyday use. For trans women, this is also a good option – especially since the fact that a dildo isn’t the real thing, it can be easier emotionally for a trans woman to use. This can work for a pre/non-op trans woman as well as post op; if you still have a penis, adjust the strap-on so it sits a little bit above the existing genitals for more comfort (and to prevent crushing your donor material).

Vibrators

Traditionally made for (cisgender) women, vibrators can be used on a person of any sex. Some are integrated into dildos, which can add pleasure to an already enhanced sexual experience, but others can stand on their own. Small, oval shaped vibrators are called egg vibrators, and are the most basic form. No matter your gender identity or op-status, find your  most sensitive spots, and put your vibrator there for some powerful sensations! The Magic Wand, built originally as a back massager (but we all know what you really use it for…), is particularly known for its powerful motor. The Magic Wand can be many times more powerful than other vibrators, so depending on your level of sensitivity, you may need something in between to muffle it. For those who are recently post-op, it’s best to wait until you are fully healed before taking on the Magic Wand!

Cock Rings

These are large rings that, when placed around the base of the penis, prevent blood from returning to the rest of the body. For pre/non-op trans women who enjoy using their penis but have difficulty with erections due to hormones, this can be effective at helping to stay in the game. Cock rings may also be of some assistance to trans men who have had a phalloplasty, though if the penis can’t get erect in the first place, this may not be of much help. Vibrating cock rings add some extra pleasure, and if your partner has a clit, they can get some pleasure out of it, too.

Question: How do you incorporate sex toys into your sex life?

I know what you might be thinking.

“What makes you such an expert? How do you know there are a lot of trans people having cyber sex, if they’re so stealth while online?”

Well, I’m an expert for several reasons. One, because I have spent a lot of time in sex groups online. Two, because I know a lot of trans people. And three, when one’s sexuality is socially repressed, where else do you go? Now, I rarely advertise my trans status in online sex spaces, because I happen to detest my male genitals, and do not want to be fetishised for them. On the other hand, I’m not stealth either, and will disclose it freely if the topic should arise. And does it ever arise! For some elusive secret reason, discussions of gender and identity are commonplace in internet sex circles (not to be confused with circle sex, which, incidentally, is also great). When I mention my own gender identity, the most common response is a casual acknowledgement followed by well-intended questions. At the least, this alone should give you some indication as to how many people are at least curious about gender variance.

The amount of gender variance visible to the naked eye should be another indicator of how widely we are spread, even if not all of us label ourselves transgender. This is especially true in the popular virtual world simulation Second Life.

“Wait, you mean the video game?”

Well yes, but no. There are games within Second Life, but in and of itself, it is certainly not a game. People interact, create, buy, sell, travel, explore, build, and yes, even fuck each other inside of this video game-esque virtual environment. It even has a real working economy, which saw $144 million US dollars travel through in Q2 2009 alone. It also has real opposition. Interestingly, the loudest opposition to sex-positive virtual space is the religious right. There are even missionary groups who wonder the virtual streets daily, bringing the word to the fuzzy-wuzzies in sinful cyber-land.

“Wait a sec. The religious right? How did the church crowd come to know of our activities there?”

Hmmm…

“But why bother with a virtual life, when you can do all that stuff in the real world? You’re a lazy ninny, and you smell of pizza.”

Hey, who doesn’t like pizza? Actually, the reason that over 7 million people have second life accounts is, at it’s very core, the inherent freedom of identity. From clothing style, to social behaviour, to hobbies, to the way we have sex, Second Life offers a place where literally millions of people have felt comfortable being the true selves that real life society does not accept.

“Wow! Seems like my gender dysphoria is similar to the restrictions a lot of people feel!”

Yes, and our visibility due to our physical change, and our refusal to conform to society’s comfort level, make it even harder for us to cope. That and, like other visible deviants, we have a stigma that society has attached to us. This stigma is brutal and merciless. It tells us we are not wanted; that we are inferior. It is little wonder that an estimated 31% of trans people commit suicide, and over 50% have attempted suicide before the age of 20. That makes me a sad bunny.

“I love bunnies! I would just love to hope around in a bunny suit all day! But I don’t, of course. That would be silly.”

Many people have aspects of their identity which they hide because society at large finds it silly, awkward, or even repulsive. Transsexuals are people who have gone through great lengths and hardships, suffering public humiliation and rejection, to be their true selves. You know what? That makes me a proud bunny! To all the partners of trans people: praise your special someone for their amazing courage and genuine spirit. Do it now!

^_^

Okay… back to sex.

“Jeez, you’re a horny one, ain’t ya?”

Well, I may be in bed with the topic, but it’s why we’re here, isn’t it? So now that we’ve established why trans-folk hang out and have sex online, lets move ahead for the juicy details (pun intended!), and go on to the what. What do we do? What do we fantasise about? What are our fetishes? What kind of virtual partners do we look for? What kind of online environments attract us? Virtual sex is every bit as diverse as physical sex, if not more so. Any stretch of the imagination is possible.

Fact is, we deserve to be able to participate in and talk about sex without being invalidated or marginalised, the cyber kind included. No, sex is not the only reason we transitioned, but for many of us, it’s a big one. Cis people can love their parts but we can’t? I’m having none of it.

So tell us, how do you like to get e-down?

Others find a way around it. The human imagination is a wonderful problem solving tool. Indeed nothing could get solved without it. And for a great time in bed, imagination is essential. This is true for trans and cis people alike. For trans people, however, imagination can also break down those barriers. Gay and lesbian people have used their imagination for centuries to find creative ways to have sex. We can use these techniques as well, but since we also have to deal with the mental block surrounding our genitals, we need to take that imagination one step further to reframe our mindset about how we view our genitals.

One easy way to do this is to shift your language. As Tobi Hill-Meyer points out in As Different As The Next Girl, we can prefer our parts to be referred to by different names, often names that correspond to the genitalia we feel we should have. I’ve often referred to my penis as “a big clit.” Likewise we can shift other aspects of our sexual language to suit our gender identities. A good example of this would be for a pre-op trans girl to refer to her arousal as “getting wet,” even though there’s no actual lubrication involved.

Fantasy is another area which a trans person can utilize to overcome mental barriers to sex. Most people, at one time or another, have closed their eyes during sex and/or while masturbating, to imagine themselves in a completely different scenario. Sometimes we imagine being with a different partner, sometimes we use fantasy to role-play in our minds. Sometimes we fantasize about having sex in a different environment. Quite often, even though the fantasy only plays out in our mind, we get so turned on by it that it ends up feeling  almost real to us. Trans people can utilize this technique, to shift our bodies in the mind’s eye, to match our personal sense of how our bodies should be configured. This frequently results in odd sensations such as “phantom genitalia,” where we feel the sensation of having the genitalia we desire, even though it doesn’t exist in reality yet. It’s a powerful sensation that can have a profoundly positive effect on our ability to enjoy sex.

When done together with a partner, this can be especially exciting. I’ve heard of cases where both partners shared in the fantasy, enjoying it together, resulting in a cissexual partner experiencing the phantom genitalia phenomenon as well. It doesn’t happen all the time, of course, but when it does, the cissexual partner has the potential to feel deeply connected to their trans partner.

Of course, all of this needs to be taken with a grain of salt. Sometimes the feeling of dysphoria is just too great for a trans person to feel comfortable using any of these techniques. The best way to handle this is to leave the part of the body causing the dysphoria alone, and concentrate on other ways of pleasuring your partner. Conversely, a non-op trans person may not feel the need to use any of these techniques, as many are happy with their birth genitals. While it is true that some cisgender partners can share in the experience, for others it can be very threatening to them, or even disruptive. If you are a cisgender person and are just starting to get to know a trans person on an intimate level, you may not be aware of what techniques your partner employs. In this situation, it’s essential to talk to your trans partner to understand what you can do to help them, and also to understand what your partners boundaries are.

Question: What techniques do you use to help yourself or your partner to overcome feelings of dysphoria during sex?

It is for precisely this reason that we are creating this website (and eventually, publishing our book). It is our hope that for anyone who doesn’t understand much about transgenderism, that we can help you understand a little bit about how trans peoples’ sexualities operate. We can debunk the myths about trans sexualities by addressing them and by telling the public the truth. The key thing to understand here is that sexuality is something that exists in all of us, even people who are asexual. Without it, a key component of what makes us human is lost.

The idea that trans people are ‘perverts’ is a misinformed, unintelligent idea that panders to those who would wish to suppress our natural sexualities. The word is grossly misused. Instead of being used to describe sexual inclinations that harm, it has been used by many (particularly religious fundamentalists) to describe anything remotely sexual in nature that they deem disgusting. However, the sexual behaviour of a typical trans person is no more harmful than the sexual behaviour of a typical straight person, or a typical gay person. In fact, by exploring the diverse nature of the trans community (and thus trans sexuality), it is our hope to show you that there really is no such thing as ‘typical’, when talking about people’s sexualities, whether trans or not.

There are many sex guides out there, just go to your local sex toy shop to find them. But there hasn’t been any comprehensive resources dealing specifically with sex and sexuality issues for trans people up to now. There needs to be one. Sex and sexuality is complicated enough for cisgender people. When one transitions, their sexuality comes along for the ride, and transitions along with the individual. This can be very difficult for someone to navigate. This is the problem we’re hoping to solve. We are writing a practical guide to navigating the sex and sexuality issues faced by trans people and their partners. It needs to be frank, sex-positive, and affirming of readers’ identities.

We wish we had something like this to read during our own transitions!

Question: How does sexuality impact your motivation to transition?