There are many issues that come up surrounding genital surgery for trans people (more commonly known as SRS or Sex Reassignment Surgery). Though these are important issues, another important issue that often gets overlooked is how this impacts relationships. Reactions can be extremely varied between partners of the person having the surgery; some (such as my own partner) are very loving and caring, while others feel uncomfortable with the idea of their partner having the surgery for various reasons.

First, a little bit of background information for those who have partners who plan on having SRS. Techniques have improved immensely for trans women over the years. Surgeons can now produce a set of female genitals that are fully functional for sexual activity. These genitals are often indistinguishable from the genitals of cissexual women, and carry the added bonus of not needing to worry about pregnancy (with that said, you should still practice safer sex, as a transsexual vagina is more susceptible to STIs than a cissexual vagina). However, they require a fair bit of maintenance following surgery. Your partner will need some time to recover, as full healing can take up to a year or more. Orgasms are likely, but aren’t guaranteed, and can take anywhere from a few weeks, to a few years following surgery before they start to occur.

Techniques for trans men still have some way to go. There are two basic techniques, metoidioplasty (where the clitoris is released from the clitoral hood, so that it may function as a small penis, usually around three inches) or phalloplasty (where a full penis is formed, but may not be fully functional for sexual activity). Because of the size of the penis following metoidioplasty, it is usually difficult to use for penetration. Phalloplasty is most often accomplished by taking a skin graft from elsewhere on the body (such as a forearm) and using the tissue to form the penis. The urethra is extended through the penis so your partner may urinate properly, but your partner will be unable to ejaculate. Also with phalloplasty, erections can only be achieved so far by using a manual pump that is implanted in the penis. However, the penis is adequate for penetration. Phalloplasty is a complex procedure that may take multiple surgeries (up to 4) in order to achieve, and can have a long timespan in between surgeries. Each surgery has varied recovery times.

Anyone going through SRS should never go through their surgery alone. If you can be with your partner through the surgery and recovery, be there for your partner. If it is too much for you to handle, make sure your partner has another family member or close friend who can be there to support them. Prior to the surgery, your partner may experience heightened anxiety, fear and doubt surrounding the surgery. Be supportive and help your partner alleviate these fears. Do not pressure your partner to go through with the surgery, as they may realize that the surgery is not right for them. With that said however, do not pressure them to cancel the surgery either, as it needs to be their choice. Support them whatever their choice may be. Follow your partner’s lead during this period. Remember, your partner’s genitals are still healing!

SRS is major surgery and can be very taxing, both physically and emotionally. During recovery, especially for the first month or two following surgery, your partner is likely to be focused on their own recovery, and may not be able to process information as easily as normal. You need to be able to assist your partner with that. This is a time, especially during their hospital stay, for you to be their advocate. Nurses and doctors only know your partner’s medical needs by reading their file, and sometimes can overlook some specific needs. You need to be prepared to speak up for your partner when something isn’t right. Immediately following surgery, your partner will likely be falling in and out of consciousness, and will almost certainly be in a lot of pain. You need to be there to help the hospital staff understand your partners’ needs.

Following your partner’s hospital stay, your partner will likely have very low energy available for daily routines. Especially if your partner is a woman, they will need to focus much of their energy on recovery, healing, and personal maintenance, both for the surgical area, and general hygeine. Do not try to push your partner to maintain household chores during this time. Do make sure, however, that your partner gets up to do simple exercises daily, such as short walks.Your partner may feel restless at times and desire to be more active. However, be aware that your partner may become suddenly fatigued any time.

For trans women, not only will your partner be going through recovery, but they will also be going through some abrupt hormonal changes. The sudden lack of testosterone can temporarily suppress your partners’ sex drive, as well as potentially trigger a period of post-operative depression. Estrogen is also frequently lowered following surgery. Be aware of your partners’ mood changes and, if necessary, help ensure your partner is seeing a doctor if your partner experiences depression. Over time, your partner will need to explore themselves and their new genitals sexually. Do not worry if your partner decides to masturbate, as this will help them get used to their new genitals. When your partner feels ready, they will include you in the process of sexual exploration. For some that may be right away, and for others it may take them some time.

One of the most common issues that can come up for a partner of a trans person is that the partner can find themselves emotionally invested in their partners’ existing genitals. A partner can fear the loss of attraction to their partner because of this, or they can simply fear the loss of their partners’ birth genitals. Some partners worry that they will not enjoy sex with their partner as much when they have the new genitals. If you have any of these fears, it’s important to acknowledge and address them. Do not try to ignore them for your partner’s sake; they will only breed resentment later. However, do not attempt to delay or prevent your partners’ surgery; that will only create resentment on your partner’s part, and will negatively affect your partner’s mental well being as well. Remember, too, that just as you became attached over time to your partner’s birth genitals, you may over time build an attachment to your partner’s new genitals as well.

If you really feel you cannot handle your partners’ surgery, or that you find yourself no longer attracted to your partner (which can and does frequently happen, especially if you identified as straight or gay prior to your partners’ transition), do not try to stay with your partner. Break up, preferably amicably. You’ll be doing both of yourselves a favor by granting the other the freedom to explore healthy sexual relationships with others.

Question: How can you help your transgender partner prepare for and recover from SRS?

As long as being trans isn’t the only reason you’re together, there’s nothing inherently wrong with two (or more) trans people to date each other. That would be like saying there was something wrong with same-sex couples, or same-race couples. We know that what makes a couple match goes far beyond such superficial things in common. Relationships take more than that: shared interests, shared desire, shared care. This goes for any relationship, not just for someone who is trans.

Yet, there can be something really comforting about being with another trans person. Being so close, even intimate, with someone who can understand the way you experience gender can be a very powerful bond indeed. It’s suggested that many people connect via shared trauma, and living a lifetime in the wrong gender can certainly qualify! And as we know, the dating world can be a cruel one indeed for trans people. Dating someone else trans can bring a sense of safety, knowing the person isn’t going to turn on you just because you’re transitioning.

This bond is even stronger when with someone of the same gender – since both are transitioning in similar ways, they can understand far more deeply what each is going through at various stages in transition much better than a cisgender partner could.  Opposite gender partners can learn from each other about the different processes that men and women go through during transition. Just don’t overdo the old joke about trading body parts!

One caveat for dating other trans people, though, especially relationships of the same-sex variety: be careful with relationships where one person is much further along in transition than the other. This type of a relationship can develop like a “mentor-student” relationship, where one is always looking to the other in guiding their transition. The person further along in their transition may not be as willing to discuss it, or may be at a stage where they want to move forward, putting their trans identity behind them. Conversely, the partner who is earlier in their transition can become resentful of the other’s perceived success. And sometimes, it’s good to be with someone who isn’t trans, as being there for a cisgender partner when they need a shoulder to cry on, can help better to keep a trans partner’s perspective, that transition isn’t the totality of their life.

Question: If you are trans, would you date another trans person?

Each of the communities mentioned above have a common thread – we all do something different than what heteronormative society expects of us, something that often sets others at unease. However, what we do differently isn’t common to all of us at all. In fact, each community is so diverse, it can be difficult to bind our groups together in the first place. Some focus on sexual attraction (lesbian and pansexual), some on sexual behaviors (kink), some on relationship structure (poly) and some on gender identity (trans).

The history of the Queer community hasn’t always been so inclusive. Early in queer activism, it was limited to what today we would term the gay and lesbian communities. Associated with the gay community was drag culture. Because of the frequent confusion between the drag and transgender communities, the trans community has been awkwardly associated with the queer community since the beginnings. But some trans people assert that we are a distinct community with our own distinct issues. That much is certainly true, as sexual orientation is completely separate from gender identity. A trans person may be gay, straight, or anything in between.

Another example of this phenomenon started with third-wave feminism. Because of the growing need for feminist communities to dissassociate themselves from men (as evidenced by the introduction of the spelling ‘womyn’) a lesbian separatist movement grew, consequently advocating the idea of the gay male community being wholly separate from the lesbian community. This idea never really became mainstream for two reasons: 1) both groups had essentially the same goals in mind, and 2) in the 80’s many gay men needed lesbian allies to help continue the fight for their rights after the AID outbreak. Yet still the idea remains to this day, ane every once in a while, someone speaks up to try to dissassociate lesbians and gay men from each other.

The familiar acronym we hear today first showed up in the 1990’s. It was around this time that it became recognized that being queer meant more than just your sexual orientation. Academics looked toward the idea that mainstream opposition to alternate sexual orientation came about because they contradict expected gender roles. A man is “supposed” to be attracted to women, just like a man is expected to not wear women’s clothes. At the same time, bisexual visibility was on the rise, and so in an effort to become more inclusive, the acronyms “GLBT” and “LGBT” became increasingly used around this time. Since the new millenium, in an effort to become more inclusive of various gender variant communities, these acronyms have continually expanded, now sometimes encopassing up to 10 letters. The now unwieldly nature of the acronym has now seen the rise of the term “alphabet soup” to describe its nature.

The LGBT acronym has been used to indicate that each group is considered equal to each other. However, in reality, each group has not always been treated as such. The very nature of putting the ‘L’ in the front was done basically in an effort to compensate for a lack of lesbian visibility. Likewise, some trans activists complain that “it’s as if the ‘T’ was just stuck on the end without any real consideration”. A recent incident supporting this claim is the 2007 attempt at passing ENDA in the States, where the term ‘gender identity’ was dropped from the bill in order to ensure it’s passage. This has led to much bitterness from the trans community directed towards some GLB groups that advocated taking the bill in such a direction. Some trans people have lamented that gay and lesbian people only support trans rights where it’s convenient for them, and forget about us the rest of the time.

Question: How much do the GLB communities have in common today with the T community?