Others find a way around it. The human imagination is a wonderful problem solving tool. Indeed nothing could get solved without it. And for a great time in bed, imagination is essential. This is true for trans and cis people alike. For trans people, however, imagination can also break down those barriers. Gay and lesbian people have used their imagination for centuries to find creative ways to have sex. We can use these techniques as well, but since we also have to deal with the mental block surrounding our genitals, we need to take that imagination one step further to reframe our mindset about how we view our genitals.

One easy way to do this is to shift your language. As Tobi Hill-Meyer points out in As Different As The Next Girl, we can prefer our parts to be referred to by different names, often names that correspond to the genitalia we feel we should have. I’ve often referred to my penis as “a big clit.” Likewise we can shift other aspects of our sexual language to suit our gender identities. A good example of this would be for a pre-op trans girl to refer to her arousal as “getting wet,” even though there’s no actual lubrication involved.

Fantasy is another area which a trans person can utilize to overcome mental barriers to sex. Most people, at one time or another, have closed their eyes during sex and/or while masturbating, to imagine themselves in a completely different scenario. Sometimes we imagine being with a different partner, sometimes we use fantasy to role-play in our minds. Sometimes we fantasize about having sex in a different environment. Quite often, even though the fantasy only plays out in our mind, we get so turned on by it that it ends up feeling  almost real to us. Trans people can utilize this technique, to shift our bodies in the mind’s eye, to match our personal sense of how our bodies should be configured. This frequently results in odd sensations such as “phantom genitalia,” where we feel the sensation of having the genitalia we desire, even though it doesn’t exist in reality yet. It’s a powerful sensation that can have a profoundly positive effect on our ability to enjoy sex.

When done together with a partner, this can be especially exciting. I’ve heard of cases where both partners shared in the fantasy, enjoying it together, resulting in a cissexual partner experiencing the phantom genitalia phenomenon as well. It doesn’t happen all the time, of course, but when it does, the cissexual partner has the potential to feel deeply connected to their trans partner.

Of course, all of this needs to be taken with a grain of salt. Sometimes the feeling of dysphoria is just too great for a trans person to feel comfortable using any of these techniques. The best way to handle this is to leave the part of the body causing the dysphoria alone, and concentrate on other ways of pleasuring your partner. Conversely, a non-op trans person may not feel the need to use any of these techniques, as many are happy with their birth genitals. While it is true that some cisgender partners can share in the experience, for others it can be very threatening to them, or even disruptive. If you are a cisgender person and are just starting to get to know a trans person on an intimate level, you may not be aware of what techniques your partner employs. In this situation, it’s essential to talk to your trans partner to understand what you can do to help them, and also to understand what your partners boundaries are.

Question: What techniques do you use to help yourself or your partner to overcome feelings of dysphoria during sex?