Most of us have experienced this sort of situation, and it can feel like a punch in the gut to even the strongest-willed. It’s a difficult situation to be in, and no matter how easy someone tries to let it down, you know it can only result in your getting hurt. For some, it’s reason enough to avoid dating altogether. But for others, we press on, knowing that somewhere out there, there will be someone who doesn’t need to reject us. But in the meantime, we all need coping mechanisms to be able to deal with this sort of situation.

Sometimes, we can just move on. When dating, there are many reasons why one may be rejected, and the vast majority of them have nothing to do with our gender identity. In fact, sometimes it can be a relief to be rejected before bringing up the T word, or being rejected after bringing it up but for a completely different reason. We could be rejected because of a personality clash, or because your date had something else in mind. So it is sometimes possible to use any regular coping mechanism used by anyone when dating, transgender or cisgender. We just don’t recommend self-destructive behaviours like binge drinking or substance abuse.

But, being rejected because you are transgendered is different. Just being trans can affect our self-esteem negatively, and many of us suffer from depression or anxiety disorder related to being trans, so when something like this happens, it can feed into that. We can start to feel like we are worthless, or that nobody will love us. It’s a mental trap that we need to be careful to keep ourselves out of in order to maintain good mental health. So it is especially important to have a friend close at hand (or at least on speed dial), to talk to and to have remind us that we are more than “just a tranny” – we’re normal human beings, worthy of love just like everyone else.

Going back to the substance use bit for a second – it can be tempting to want to forget about the event altogether. Alcohol, pot, or whatever your drug of choice can be used to blot out the pain of rejection, but this isn’t a healthy choice. I’m not going to get into whether drugs are generally bad or not, but it’s important to keep in mind that if you’re already in a depressed mood, substance use is only a temporary block, and can be unpredictable. Especially if you already suffer from depression or are at risk of it, the substance use may make things even worse.

A more effective way is to deal with emotions face to face, and then move on. Instead of avoiding that shitty feeling, ride though it. Have your cries. Go ahead and tell yourself you’re worthless. Scream and yell. Talk to a friend. Hug a friend. And then, when you’re ready, acknowledge the fact that not everybody feels the same way about you as your date did, even though it might seem like it right then. If you need, have another cry. Go see your friend again. Lather, rinse, repeat. And finally, go on another date. Because the fact is that there are plenty of people who wouldn’t even blink at dating a trans person.

Which comes to my next point: this is discrimination. And anyone who discriminates is a douchebag, no matter what. So draw on that. Ultimately, most of us want to get to a point with our dates where we can have a solid, healthy relationship. And someone who is going to use your gender identity as a crutch is not going to be able to maintain a healthy relationship. To put it another way, if someone rejects you because they’re trans, they’re not worth sticking around for in the first place. Only someone who can see past your history is going to be willing to put the effort into an honest relationship. Thus, being rejected can ultimately be a good thing – you’ve just filtered out another asshole that’s not worth your time.

Question: How do you cope with a date gone sour?

As long as being trans isn’t the only reason you’re together, there’s nothing inherently wrong with two (or more) trans people to date each other. That would be like saying there was something wrong with same-sex couples, or same-race couples. We know that what makes a couple match goes far beyond such superficial things in common. Relationships take more than that: shared interests, shared desire, shared care. This goes for any relationship, not just for someone who is trans.

Yet, there can be something really comforting about being with another trans person. Being so close, even intimate, with someone who can understand the way you experience gender can be a very powerful bond indeed. It’s suggested that many people connect via shared trauma, and living a lifetime in the wrong gender can certainly qualify! And as we know, the dating world can be a cruel one indeed for trans people. Dating someone else trans can bring a sense of safety, knowing the person isn’t going to turn on you just because you’re transitioning.

This bond is even stronger when with someone of the same gender – since both are transitioning in similar ways, they can understand far more deeply what each is going through at various stages in transition much better than a cisgender partner could.  Opposite gender partners can learn from each other about the different processes that men and women go through during transition. Just don’t overdo the old joke about trading body parts!

One caveat for dating other trans people, though, especially relationships of the same-sex variety: be careful with relationships where one person is much further along in transition than the other. This type of a relationship can develop like a “mentor-student” relationship, where one is always looking to the other in guiding their transition. The person further along in their transition may not be as willing to discuss it, or may be at a stage where they want to move forward, putting their trans identity behind them. Conversely, the partner who is earlier in their transition can become resentful of the other’s perceived success. And sometimes, it’s good to be with someone who isn’t trans, as being there for a cisgender partner when they need a shoulder to cry on, can help better to keep a trans partner’s perspective, that transition isn’t the totality of their life.

Question: If you are trans, would you date another trans person?