And that is the crux of the issue Tris and I deal with when writing each article on Trans Sexualities, and the issue that will continually pervade our work as we write our eventual book. While this isn’t specifically an issue that falls within the scope of this project, it is one that profoundly affects this project and how we operate it. Thus, we want to address this issue while the project is still in the earliest stages.

One thing that Tris and I are constantly aware of is the limited range of experience that we share between us. We are both trans women, and one of us identifies as genderqueer. We are at different stages in our transitions, though we are both going in the same direction in our transitions. We occupy such a small range of the gender spectrum we are trying to represent through this project. Many times, we take examples from specific types of trans people to explain a more generalized idea, and sometimes articles are written with a specific range of people in mind. This is where you, the reader, come in, as your comments help us to understand the needs of people outside of the range that we occupy.

Given our topic, we must address issues of physical status with consideration for the range of people we are discussing, and how to respectfully address these issues using neutral language that still affirms the lived identities of the people we talk about. Unfortunately in our community, our lived identities don’t always match our physical sex, though in discussing sex and sexuality, we have to acknowledge the physical sex of the people we talk about (at this point, I should note that “people we talk about” is strictly in the abstract sense; we don’t discuss specific people and their experiences on this site without their explicit permission).

To that end, we need to find concise yet clear, effective and above all, respectful language to refer to people who fall under different ranges of the transgender spectrum. There are three major aspects of a person that we must sometimes acknowledge: identity, affirmed sex and physical sex. Secondary to that is whether a person’s current physical sex matches their physical sex at birth. In order to deal with this, we will be using matter-of-fact language.

First, the terms “man” and “woman” will be used exclusively to mean a person’s identified gender. This means that a male-to-female trans person would be referred to as a woman, and female pronouns would be used. Likewise, “man” and the corresponding pronouns would refer to a female-to-male trans person. Trans people have a number of primary and secondary sexual characteristics that may correspond to either sex or even in between, so to avoid ambiguity,the corresponding terms “male” and “female” will not be used on this site. Instead, the specific characteristic we are discussing will be referred to directly. This has the added effect of not focusing on a person’s “op-status,” which can be very frustrating for the many trans people who do not desire or plan to have genital surgery.

This means that we will be talking about genitals using terms such as penis, scrotum, testicles, vagina, vulva, and clitoris. There are many other medical terms that we can use as well. We will both be avoiding slang terms, for a few different reasons. First, they create ambiguity. Often slang terms can refer to either a specific part or the whole set of genitals. Also, some people can find certain terms offensive. Finally, we’re all mature enough to discuss these issues in a professional manner.

So far, we’ve mostly restricted ourselves to discussing issues within the gender binary model. This works well for trans people who follow a straightforward path in their transition, from one physical sex to the other, and taking steps such as hormones, electrolysis, and various surgeries. This mostly follows the experience of both the authors. However, this breaks down once we start moving beyond gender binary principles. There are a wide range of identities that exist beyond the binary gender model, so we will be addressing those in the next part of this article.

Question: What terms do you prefer to use for your body’s primary & secondary sexual characteristics?

Dildos
Talk to someone new to sex toys and the first thing that will come to mind will be the dildo. These come in all shapes, sizes, colours and materials. Of course, when you’re a pre/non-op trans woman, they don’t immediately seem all that useful. However, the right dildo can work wonders for anal play, especially if you’re just starting out. You don’t want to go straight into inserting something large like a full erect penis right away, so start off with a small butt plug, preferably one with a widening shaft, to help you ease into a larger diameter. Just make sure you use one with a flared base, to prevent the dildo from going all the way in.

For pre/non-op trans men, the strap-on is for the most part, a pretty intuitive option. It’s a common option for lesbian couples (though not as common as straight men would like to think!). What guy doesn’t want to strap on a big cock? This can work with harder dildos meant for penetration, or with soft packers for everyday use. For trans women, this is also a good option – especially since the fact that a dildo isn’t the real thing, it can be easier emotionally for a trans woman to use. This can work for a pre/non-op trans woman as well as post op; if you still have a penis, adjust the strap-on so it sits a little bit above the existing genitals for more comfort (and to prevent crushing your donor material).

Vibrators

Traditionally made for (cisgender) women, vibrators can be used on a person of any sex. Some are integrated into dildos, which can add pleasure to an already enhanced sexual experience, but others can stand on their own. Small, oval shaped vibrators are called egg vibrators, and are the most basic form. No matter your gender identity or op-status, find your  most sensitive spots, and put your vibrator there for some powerful sensations! The Magic Wand, built originally as a back massager (but we all know what you really use it for…), is particularly known for its powerful motor. The Magic Wand can be many times more powerful than other vibrators, so depending on your level of sensitivity, you may need something in between to muffle it. For those who are recently post-op, it’s best to wait until you are fully healed before taking on the Magic Wand!

Cock Rings

These are large rings that, when placed around the base of the penis, prevent blood from returning to the rest of the body. For pre/non-op trans women who enjoy using their penis but have difficulty with erections due to hormones, this can be effective at helping to stay in the game. Cock rings may also be of some assistance to trans men who have had a phalloplasty, though if the penis can’t get erect in the first place, this may not be of much help. Vibrating cock rings add some extra pleasure, and if your partner has a clit, they can get some pleasure out of it, too.

Question: How do you incorporate sex toys into your sex life?

I know what you might be thinking.

“What makes you such an expert? How do you know there are a lot of trans people having cyber sex, if they’re so stealth while online?”

Well, I’m an expert for several reasons. One, because I have spent a lot of time in sex groups online. Two, because I know a lot of trans people. And three, when one’s sexuality is socially repressed, where else do you go? Now, I rarely advertise my trans status in online sex spaces, because I happen to detest my male genitals, and do not want to be fetishised for them. On the other hand, I’m not stealth either, and will disclose it freely if the topic should arise. And does it ever arise! For some elusive secret reason, discussions of gender and identity are commonplace in internet sex circles (not to be confused with circle sex, which, incidentally, is also great). When I mention my own gender identity, the most common response is a casual acknowledgement followed by well-intended questions. At the least, this alone should give you some indication as to how many people are at least curious about gender variance.

The amount of gender variance visible to the naked eye should be another indicator of how widely we are spread, even if not all of us label ourselves transgender. This is especially true in the popular virtual world simulation Second Life.

“Wait, you mean the video game?”

Well yes, but no. There are games within Second Life, but in and of itself, it is certainly not a game. People interact, create, buy, sell, travel, explore, build, and yes, even fuck each other inside of this video game-esque virtual environment. It even has a real working economy, which saw $144 million US dollars travel through in Q2 2009 alone. It also has real opposition. Interestingly, the loudest opposition to sex-positive virtual space is the religious right. There are even missionary groups who wonder the virtual streets daily, bringing the word to the fuzzy-wuzzies in sinful cyber-land.

“Wait a sec. The religious right? How did the church crowd come to know of our activities there?”

Hmmm…

“But why bother with a virtual life, when you can do all that stuff in the real world? You’re a lazy ninny, and you smell of pizza.”

Hey, who doesn’t like pizza? Actually, the reason that over 7 million people have second life accounts is, at it’s very core, the inherent freedom of identity. From clothing style, to social behaviour, to hobbies, to the way we have sex, Second Life offers a place where literally millions of people have felt comfortable being the true selves that real life society does not accept.

“Wow! Seems like my gender dysphoria is similar to the restrictions a lot of people feel!”

Yes, and our visibility due to our physical change, and our refusal to conform to society’s comfort level, make it even harder for us to cope. That and, like other visible deviants, we have a stigma that society has attached to us. This stigma is brutal and merciless. It tells us we are not wanted; that we are inferior. It is little wonder that an estimated 31% of trans people commit suicide, and over 50% have attempted suicide before the age of 20. That makes me a sad bunny.

“I love bunnies! I would just love to hope around in a bunny suit all day! But I don’t, of course. That would be silly.”

Many people have aspects of their identity which they hide because society at large finds it silly, awkward, or even repulsive. Transsexuals are people who have gone through great lengths and hardships, suffering public humiliation and rejection, to be their true selves. You know what? That makes me a proud bunny! To all the partners of trans people: praise your special someone for their amazing courage and genuine spirit. Do it now!

^_^

Okay… back to sex.

“Jeez, you’re a horny one, ain’t ya?”

Well, I may be in bed with the topic, but it’s why we’re here, isn’t it? So now that we’ve established why trans-folk hang out and have sex online, lets move ahead for the juicy details (pun intended!), and go on to the what. What do we do? What do we fantasise about? What are our fetishes? What kind of virtual partners do we look for? What kind of online environments attract us? Virtual sex is every bit as diverse as physical sex, if not more so. Any stretch of the imagination is possible.

Fact is, we deserve to be able to participate in and talk about sex without being invalidated or marginalised, the cyber kind included. No, sex is not the only reason we transitioned, but for many of us, it’s a big one. Cis people can love their parts but we can’t? I’m having none of it.

So tell us, how do you like to get e-down?

Each of the communities mentioned above have a common thread – we all do something different than what heteronormative society expects of us, something that often sets others at unease. However, what we do differently isn’t common to all of us at all. In fact, each community is so diverse, it can be difficult to bind our groups together in the first place. Some focus on sexual attraction (lesbian and pansexual), some on sexual behaviors (kink), some on relationship structure (poly) and some on gender identity (trans).

The history of the Queer community hasn’t always been so inclusive. Early in queer activism, it was limited to what today we would term the gay and lesbian communities. Associated with the gay community was drag culture. Because of the frequent confusion between the drag and transgender communities, the trans community has been awkwardly associated with the queer community since the beginnings. But some trans people assert that we are a distinct community with our own distinct issues. That much is certainly true, as sexual orientation is completely separate from gender identity. A trans person may be gay, straight, or anything in between.

Another example of this phenomenon started with third-wave feminism. Because of the growing need for feminist communities to dissassociate themselves from men (as evidenced by the introduction of the spelling ‘womyn’) a lesbian separatist movement grew, consequently advocating the idea of the gay male community being wholly separate from the lesbian community. This idea never really became mainstream for two reasons: 1) both groups had essentially the same goals in mind, and 2) in the 80’s many gay men needed lesbian allies to help continue the fight for their rights after the AID outbreak. Yet still the idea remains to this day, ane every once in a while, someone speaks up to try to dissassociate lesbians and gay men from each other.

The familiar acronym we hear today first showed up in the 1990’s. It was around this time that it became recognized that being queer meant more than just your sexual orientation. Academics looked toward the idea that mainstream opposition to alternate sexual orientation came about because they contradict expected gender roles. A man is “supposed” to be attracted to women, just like a man is expected to not wear women’s clothes. At the same time, bisexual visibility was on the rise, and so in an effort to become more inclusive, the acronyms “GLBT” and “LGBT” became increasingly used around this time. Since the new millenium, in an effort to become more inclusive of various gender variant communities, these acronyms have continually expanded, now sometimes encopassing up to 10 letters. The now unwieldly nature of the acronym has now seen the rise of the term “alphabet soup” to describe its nature.

The LGBT acronym has been used to indicate that each group is considered equal to each other. However, in reality, each group has not always been treated as such. The very nature of putting the ‘L’ in the front was done basically in an effort to compensate for a lack of lesbian visibility. Likewise, some trans activists complain that “it’s as if the ‘T’ was just stuck on the end without any real consideration”. A recent incident supporting this claim is the 2007 attempt at passing ENDA in the States, where the term ‘gender identity’ was dropped from the bill in order to ensure it’s passage. This has led to much bitterness from the trans community directed towards some GLB groups that advocated taking the bill in such a direction. Some trans people have lamented that gay and lesbian people only support trans rights where it’s convenient for them, and forget about us the rest of the time.

Question: How much do the GLB communities have in common today with the T community?

It is for precisely this reason that we are creating this website (and eventually, publishing our book). It is our hope that for anyone who doesn’t understand much about transgenderism, that we can help you understand a little bit about how trans peoples’ sexualities operate. We can debunk the myths about trans sexualities by addressing them and by telling the public the truth. The key thing to understand here is that sexuality is something that exists in all of us, even people who are asexual. Without it, a key component of what makes us human is lost.

The idea that trans people are ‘perverts’ is a misinformed, unintelligent idea that panders to those who would wish to suppress our natural sexualities. The word is grossly misused. Instead of being used to describe sexual inclinations that harm, it has been used by many (particularly religious fundamentalists) to describe anything remotely sexual in nature that they deem disgusting. However, the sexual behaviour of a typical trans person is no more harmful than the sexual behaviour of a typical straight person, or a typical gay person. In fact, by exploring the diverse nature of the trans community (and thus trans sexuality), it is our hope to show you that there really is no such thing as ‘typical’, when talking about people’s sexualities, whether trans or not.

There are many sex guides out there, just go to your local sex toy shop to find them. But there hasn’t been any comprehensive resources dealing specifically with sex and sexuality issues for trans people up to now. There needs to be one. Sex and sexuality is complicated enough for cisgender people. When one transitions, their sexuality comes along for the ride, and transitions along with the individual. This can be very difficult for someone to navigate. This is the problem we’re hoping to solve. We are writing a practical guide to navigating the sex and sexuality issues faced by trans people and their partners. It needs to be frank, sex-positive, and affirming of readers’ identities.

We wish we had something like this to read during our own transitions!

Question: How does sexuality impact your motivation to transition?