There are many issues that come up surrounding genital surgery for trans people (more commonly known as SRS or Sex Reassignment Surgery). Though these are important issues, another important issue that often gets overlooked is how this impacts relationships. Reactions can be extremely varied between partners of the person having the surgery; some (such as my own partner) are very loving and caring, while others feel uncomfortable with the idea of their partner having the surgery for various reasons.

First, a little bit of background information for those who have partners who plan on having SRS. Techniques have improved immensely for trans women over the years. Surgeons can now produce a set of female genitals that are fully functional for sexual activity. These genitals are often indistinguishable from the genitals of cissexual women, and carry the added bonus of not needing to worry about pregnancy (with that said, you should still practice safer sex, as a transsexual vagina is more susceptible to STIs than a cissexual vagina). However, they require a fair bit of maintenance following surgery. Your partner will need some time to recover, as full healing can take up to a year or more. Orgasms are likely, but aren’t guaranteed, and can take anywhere from a few weeks, to a few years following surgery before they start to occur.

Techniques for trans men still have some way to go. There are two basic techniques, metoidioplasty (where the clitoris is released from the clitoral hood, so that it may function as a small penis, usually around three inches) or phalloplasty (where a full penis is formed, but may not be fully functional for sexual activity). Because of the size of the penis following metoidioplasty, it is usually difficult to use for penetration. Phalloplasty is most often accomplished by taking a skin graft from elsewhere on the body (such as a forearm) and using the tissue to form the penis. The urethra is extended through the penis so your partner may urinate properly, but your partner will be unable to ejaculate. Also with phalloplasty, erections can only be achieved so far by using a manual pump that is implanted in the penis. However, the penis is adequate for penetration. Phalloplasty is a complex procedure that may take multiple surgeries (up to 4) in order to achieve, and can have a long timespan in between surgeries. Each surgery has varied recovery times.

Anyone going through SRS should never go through their surgery alone. If you can be with your partner through the surgery and recovery, be there for your partner. If it is too much for you to handle, make sure your partner has another family member or close friend who can be there to support them. Prior to the surgery, your partner may experience heightened anxiety, fear and doubt surrounding the surgery. Be supportive and help your partner alleviate these fears. Do not pressure your partner to go through with the surgery, as they may realize that the surgery is not right for them. With that said however, do not pressure them to cancel the surgery either, as it needs to be their choice. Support them whatever their choice may be. Follow your partner’s lead during this period. Remember, your partner’s genitals are still healing!

SRS is major surgery and can be very taxing, both physically and emotionally. During recovery, especially for the first month or two following surgery, your partner is likely to be focused on their own recovery, and may not be able to process information as easily as normal. You need to be able to assist your partner with that. This is a time, especially during their hospital stay, for you to be their advocate. Nurses and doctors only know your partner’s medical needs by reading their file, and sometimes can overlook some specific needs. You need to be prepared to speak up for your partner when something isn’t right. Immediately following surgery, your partner will likely be falling in and out of consciousness, and will almost certainly be in a lot of pain. You need to be there to help the hospital staff understand your partners’ needs.

Following your partner’s hospital stay, your partner will likely have very low energy available for daily routines. Especially if your partner is a woman, they will need to focus much of their energy on recovery, healing, and personal maintenance, both for the surgical area, and general hygeine. Do not try to push your partner to maintain household chores during this time. Do make sure, however, that your partner gets up to do simple exercises daily, such as short walks.Your partner may feel restless at times and desire to be more active. However, be aware that your partner may become suddenly fatigued any time.

For trans women, not only will your partner be going through recovery, but they will also be going through some abrupt hormonal changes. The sudden lack of testosterone can temporarily suppress your partners’ sex drive, as well as potentially trigger a period of post-operative depression. Estrogen is also frequently lowered following surgery. Be aware of your partners’ mood changes and, if necessary, help ensure your partner is seeing a doctor if your partner experiences depression. Over time, your partner will need to explore themselves and their new genitals sexually. Do not worry if your partner decides to masturbate, as this will help them get used to their new genitals. When your partner feels ready, they will include you in the process of sexual exploration. For some that may be right away, and for others it may take them some time.

One of the most common issues that can come up for a partner of a trans person is that the partner can find themselves emotionally invested in their partners’ existing genitals. A partner can fear the loss of attraction to their partner because of this, or they can simply fear the loss of their partners’ birth genitals. Some partners worry that they will not enjoy sex with their partner as much when they have the new genitals. If you have any of these fears, it’s important to acknowledge and address them. Do not try to ignore them for your partner’s sake; they will only breed resentment later. However, do not attempt to delay or prevent your partners’ surgery; that will only create resentment on your partner’s part, and will negatively affect your partner’s mental well being as well. Remember, too, that just as you became attached over time to your partner’s birth genitals, you may over time build an attachment to your partner’s new genitals as well.

If you really feel you cannot handle your partners’ surgery, or that you find yourself no longer attracted to your partner (which can and does frequently happen, especially if you identified as straight or gay prior to your partners’ transition), do not try to stay with your partner. Break up, preferably amicably. You’ll be doing both of yourselves a favor by granting the other the freedom to explore healthy sexual relationships with others.

Question: How can you help your transgender partner prepare for and recover from SRS?

When someone transitions, it’s not just the one transitioning who needs to transition – transition can affect everyone around them. This is especially true of a spouse or long term partner. One area in which partners of trans people are particularly affected is with their sexual orientation. Often when someone transitions, the spouse or partner is left questioning their sexual orientation as the trans partner goes through their changes.

One thing for the spouse to remember is that the partner’s transition does not change your orientation. If you were straight before your partner’s transition, you will continue to be straight. Likewise, if you are gay, then you will continue to be gay. Another thing to remember about sexual orientation is that sexual behaviour doesn’t neccesarily reflect your orientation. There are plenty of gay and lesbian people who have had heterosexual sex. Having sex with your transgender partner does not automatically change your sexual orientation.

With that said, however, it also doesn’t mean that your sexual orientation is completely static. While it’s well established that one’s sexual orientation does not change, it can be somewhat fluid. This means that, even if you may be gay, due to the bond you share with your trans partner, you may still find yourself attracted to her. On the other hand, you may not. Regardless, your partner is not to blame. Just as you are struggling with your sexual identity, so is your trans partner.

Should you find that you are not attracted to your partner due to the change in their gender, breaking up is your best option. Holding on to a relationship that is slowly dying is not a healthy choice for either partner. Though it will likely be a painful process for both, you’ll both be better off for it.

The idea that sexual orientation is based on which set of genitals one is attracted to is a myth. Your sexual orientation is based on the gender of the person you are attracted to, not the physical sex. This is why many straight men have been attracted to trans women; when they meet the person, they see their gender long before they are able to determine their physical sex. You may find yourself pleasantly suprised to remain attracted to your partner even if they pursue SRS!

Question: How has your partner’s transition changed how you view your sexual orientation?

I know what you might be thinking.

“What makes you such an expert? How do you know there are a lot of trans people having cyber sex, if they’re so stealth while online?”

Well, I’m an expert for several reasons. One, because I have spent a lot of time in sex groups online. Two, because I know a lot of trans people. And three, when one’s sexuality is socially repressed, where else do you go? Now, I rarely advertise my trans status in online sex spaces, because I happen to detest my male genitals, and do not want to be fetishised for them. On the other hand, I’m not stealth either, and will disclose it freely if the topic should arise. And does it ever arise! For some elusive secret reason, discussions of gender and identity are commonplace in internet sex circles (not to be confused with circle sex, which, incidentally, is also great). When I mention my own gender identity, the most common response is a casual acknowledgement followed by well-intended questions. At the least, this alone should give you some indication as to how many people are at least curious about gender variance.

The amount of gender variance visible to the naked eye should be another indicator of how widely we are spread, even if not all of us label ourselves transgender. This is especially true in the popular virtual world simulation Second Life.

“Wait, you mean the video game?”

Well yes, but no. There are games within Second Life, but in and of itself, it is certainly not a game. People interact, create, buy, sell, travel, explore, build, and yes, even fuck each other inside of this video game-esque virtual environment. It even has a real working economy, which saw $144 million US dollars travel through in Q2 2009 alone. It also has real opposition. Interestingly, the loudest opposition to sex-positive virtual space is the religious right. There are even missionary groups who wonder the virtual streets daily, bringing the word to the fuzzy-wuzzies in sinful cyber-land.

“Wait a sec. The religious right? How did the church crowd come to know of our activities there?”

Hmmm…

“But why bother with a virtual life, when you can do all that stuff in the real world? You’re a lazy ninny, and you smell of pizza.”

Hey, who doesn’t like pizza? Actually, the reason that over 7 million people have second life accounts is, at it’s very core, the inherent freedom of identity. From clothing style, to social behaviour, to hobbies, to the way we have sex, Second Life offers a place where literally millions of people have felt comfortable being the true selves that real life society does not accept.

“Wow! Seems like my gender dysphoria is similar to the restrictions a lot of people feel!”

Yes, and our visibility due to our physical change, and our refusal to conform to society’s comfort level, make it even harder for us to cope. That and, like other visible deviants, we have a stigma that society has attached to us. This stigma is brutal and merciless. It tells us we are not wanted; that we are inferior. It is little wonder that an estimated 31% of trans people commit suicide, and over 50% have attempted suicide before the age of 20. That makes me a sad bunny.

“I love bunnies! I would just love to hope around in a bunny suit all day! But I don’t, of course. That would be silly.”

Many people have aspects of their identity which they hide because society at large finds it silly, awkward, or even repulsive. Transsexuals are people who have gone through great lengths and hardships, suffering public humiliation and rejection, to be their true selves. You know what? That makes me a proud bunny! To all the partners of trans people: praise your special someone for their amazing courage and genuine spirit. Do it now!

^_^

Okay… back to sex.

“Jeez, you’re a horny one, ain’t ya?”

Well, I may be in bed with the topic, but it’s why we’re here, isn’t it? So now that we’ve established why trans-folk hang out and have sex online, lets move ahead for the juicy details (pun intended!), and go on to the what. What do we do? What do we fantasise about? What are our fetishes? What kind of virtual partners do we look for? What kind of online environments attract us? Virtual sex is every bit as diverse as physical sex, if not more so. Any stretch of the imagination is possible.

Fact is, we deserve to be able to participate in and talk about sex without being invalidated or marginalised, the cyber kind included. No, sex is not the only reason we transitioned, but for many of us, it’s a big one. Cis people can love their parts but we can’t? I’m having none of it.

So tell us, how do you like to get e-down?