Most of us have experienced this sort of situation, and it can feel like a punch in the gut to even the strongest-willed. It’s a difficult situation to be in, and no matter how easy someone tries to let it down, you know it can only result in your getting hurt. For some, it’s reason enough to avoid dating altogether. But for others, we press on, knowing that somewhere out there, there will be someone who doesn’t need to reject us. But in the meantime, we all need coping mechanisms to be able to deal with this sort of situation.

Sometimes, we can just move on. When dating, there are many reasons why one may be rejected, and the vast majority of them have nothing to do with our gender identity. In fact, sometimes it can be a relief to be rejected before bringing up the T word, or being rejected after bringing it up but for a completely different reason. We could be rejected because of a personality clash, or because your date had something else in mind. So it is sometimes possible to use any regular coping mechanism used by anyone when dating, transgender or cisgender. We just don’t recommend self-destructive behaviours like binge drinking or substance abuse.

But, being rejected because you are transgendered is different. Just being trans can affect our self-esteem negatively, and many of us suffer from depression or anxiety disorder related to being trans, so when something like this happens, it can feed into that. We can start to feel like we are worthless, or that nobody will love us. It’s a mental trap that we need to be careful to keep ourselves out of in order to maintain good mental health. So it is especially important to have a friend close at hand (or at least on speed dial), to talk to and to have remind us that we are more than “just a tranny” – we’re normal human beings, worthy of love just like everyone else.

Going back to the substance use bit for a second – it can be tempting to want to forget about the event altogether. Alcohol, pot, or whatever your drug of choice can be used to blot out the pain of rejection, but this isn’t a healthy choice. I’m not going to get into whether drugs are generally bad or not, but it’s important to keep in mind that if you’re already in a depressed mood, substance use is only a temporary block, and can be unpredictable. Especially if you already suffer from depression or are at risk of it, the substance use may make things even worse.

A more effective way is to deal with emotions face to face, and then move on. Instead of avoiding that shitty feeling, ride though it. Have your cries. Go ahead and tell yourself you’re worthless. Scream and yell. Talk to a friend. Hug a friend. And then, when you’re ready, acknowledge the fact that not everybody feels the same way about you as your date did, even though it might seem like it right then. If you need, have another cry. Go see your friend again. Lather, rinse, repeat. And finally, go on another date. Because the fact is that there are plenty of people who wouldn’t even blink at dating a trans person.

Which comes to my next point: this is discrimination. And anyone who discriminates is a douchebag, no matter what. So draw on that. Ultimately, most of us want to get to a point with our dates where we can have a solid, healthy relationship. And someone who is going to use your gender identity as a crutch is not going to be able to maintain a healthy relationship. To put it another way, if someone rejects you because they’re trans, they’re not worth sticking around for in the first place. Only someone who can see past your history is going to be willing to put the effort into an honest relationship. Thus, being rejected can ultimately be a good thing – you’ve just filtered out another asshole that’s not worth your time.

Question: How do you cope with a date gone sour?

As long as being trans isn’t the only reason you’re together, there’s nothing inherently wrong with two (or more) trans people to date each other. That would be like saying there was something wrong with same-sex couples, or same-race couples. We know that what makes a couple match goes far beyond such superficial things in common. Relationships take more than that: shared interests, shared desire, shared care. This goes for any relationship, not just for someone who is trans.

Yet, there can be something really comforting about being with another trans person. Being so close, even intimate, with someone who can understand the way you experience gender can be a very powerful bond indeed. It’s suggested that many people connect via shared trauma, and living a lifetime in the wrong gender can certainly qualify! And as we know, the dating world can be a cruel one indeed for trans people. Dating someone else trans can bring a sense of safety, knowing the person isn’t going to turn on you just because you’re transitioning.

This bond is even stronger when with someone of the same gender – since both are transitioning in similar ways, they can understand far more deeply what each is going through at various stages in transition much better than a cisgender partner could.  Opposite gender partners can learn from each other about the different processes that men and women go through during transition. Just don’t overdo the old joke about trading body parts!

One caveat for dating other trans people, though, especially relationships of the same-sex variety: be careful with relationships where one person is much further along in transition than the other. This type of a relationship can develop like a “mentor-student” relationship, where one is always looking to the other in guiding their transition. The person further along in their transition may not be as willing to discuss it, or may be at a stage where they want to move forward, putting their trans identity behind them. Conversely, the partner who is earlier in their transition can become resentful of the other’s perceived success. And sometimes, it’s good to be with someone who isn’t trans, as being there for a cisgender partner when they need a shoulder to cry on, can help better to keep a trans partner’s perspective, that transition isn’t the totality of their life.

Question: If you are trans, would you date another trans person?

I know what you might be thinking.

“What makes you such an expert? How do you know there are a lot of trans people having cyber sex, if they’re so stealth while online?”

Well, I’m an expert for several reasons. One, because I have spent a lot of time in sex groups online. Two, because I know a lot of trans people. And three, when one’s sexuality is socially repressed, where else do you go? Now, I rarely advertise my trans status in online sex spaces, because I happen to detest my male genitals, and do not want to be fetishised for them. On the other hand, I’m not stealth either, and will disclose it freely if the topic should arise. And does it ever arise! For some elusive secret reason, discussions of gender and identity are commonplace in internet sex circles (not to be confused with circle sex, which, incidentally, is also great). When I mention my own gender identity, the most common response is a casual acknowledgement followed by well-intended questions. At the least, this alone should give you some indication as to how many people are at least curious about gender variance.

The amount of gender variance visible to the naked eye should be another indicator of how widely we are spread, even if not all of us label ourselves transgender. This is especially true in the popular virtual world simulation Second Life.

“Wait, you mean the video game?”

Well yes, but no. There are games within Second Life, but in and of itself, it is certainly not a game. People interact, create, buy, sell, travel, explore, build, and yes, even fuck each other inside of this video game-esque virtual environment. It even has a real working economy, which saw $144 million US dollars travel through in Q2 2009 alone. It also has real opposition. Interestingly, the loudest opposition to sex-positive virtual space is the religious right. There are even missionary groups who wonder the virtual streets daily, bringing the word to the fuzzy-wuzzies in sinful cyber-land.

“Wait a sec. The religious right? How did the church crowd come to know of our activities there?”

Hmmm…

“But why bother with a virtual life, when you can do all that stuff in the real world? You’re a lazy ninny, and you smell of pizza.”

Hey, who doesn’t like pizza? Actually, the reason that over 7 million people have second life accounts is, at it’s very core, the inherent freedom of identity. From clothing style, to social behaviour, to hobbies, to the way we have sex, Second Life offers a place where literally millions of people have felt comfortable being the true selves that real life society does not accept.

“Wow! Seems like my gender dysphoria is similar to the restrictions a lot of people feel!”

Yes, and our visibility due to our physical change, and our refusal to conform to society’s comfort level, make it even harder for us to cope. That and, like other visible deviants, we have a stigma that society has attached to us. This stigma is brutal and merciless. It tells us we are not wanted; that we are inferior. It is little wonder that an estimated 31% of trans people commit suicide, and over 50% have attempted suicide before the age of 20. That makes me a sad bunny.

“I love bunnies! I would just love to hope around in a bunny suit all day! But I don’t, of course. That would be silly.”

Many people have aspects of their identity which they hide because society at large finds it silly, awkward, or even repulsive. Transsexuals are people who have gone through great lengths and hardships, suffering public humiliation and rejection, to be their true selves. You know what? That makes me a proud bunny! To all the partners of trans people: praise your special someone for their amazing courage and genuine spirit. Do it now!

^_^

Okay… back to sex.

“Jeez, you’re a horny one, ain’t ya?”

Well, I may be in bed with the topic, but it’s why we’re here, isn’t it? So now that we’ve established why trans-folk hang out and have sex online, lets move ahead for the juicy details (pun intended!), and go on to the what. What do we do? What do we fantasise about? What are our fetishes? What kind of virtual partners do we look for? What kind of online environments attract us? Virtual sex is every bit as diverse as physical sex, if not more so. Any stretch of the imagination is possible.

Fact is, we deserve to be able to participate in and talk about sex without being invalidated or marginalised, the cyber kind included. No, sex is not the only reason we transitioned, but for many of us, it’s a big one. Cis people can love their parts but we can’t? I’m having none of it.

So tell us, how do you like to get e-down?