So you’re on a date. They’re really cute, you’re getting along well, and you can see yourselves going out on a second (or third, or fourth, or…) date. Maybe you’ve had a hot make-out session or two, and are ready to take everything to the next level. Only one barrier remains – the dreaded conversation. You know you’ve got to have it, there’s no way around it… somehow, you manage to choke out the T word…. and silence. A bit of mumbling, an apology to you, and then nothing. They’ve left. Or hung up. Or are awkwardly trying to ask if you can still be friends. Ultimately, the scenario ends the same way: they don’t want to continue seeing you because you are trans.

Most of us have experienced this sort of situation, and it can feel like a punch in the gut to even the strongest-willed. It’s a difficult situation to be in, and no matter how easy someone tries to let it down, you know it can only result in your getting hurt. For some, it’s reason enough to avoid dating altogether. But for others, we press on, knowing that somewhere out there, there will be someone who doesn’t need to reject us. But in the meantime, we all need coping mechanisms to be able to deal with this sort of situation.

Sometimes, we can just move on. When dating, there are many reasons why one may be rejected, and the vast majority of them have nothing to do with our gender identity. In fact, sometimes it can be a relief to be rejected before bringing up the T word, or being rejected after bringing it up but for a completely different reason. We could be rejected because of a personality clash, or because your date had something else in mind. So it is sometimes possible to use any regular coping mechanism used by anyone when dating, transgender or cisgender. We just don’t recommend self-destructive behaviours like binge drinking or substance abuse.

But, being rejected because you are transgendered is different. Just being trans can affect our self-esteem negatively, and many of us suffer from depression or anxiety disorder related to being trans, so when something like this happens, it can feed into that. We can start to feel like we are worthless, or that nobody will love us. It’s a mental trap that we need to be careful to keep ourselves out of in order to maintain good mental health. So it is especially important to have a friend close at hand (or at least on speed dial), to talk to and to have remind us that we are more than “just a tranny” – we’re normal human beings, worthy of love just like everyone else.

Going back to the substance use bit for a second – it can be tempting to want to forget about the event altogether. Alcohol, pot, or whatever your drug of choice can be used to blot out the pain of rejection, but this isn’t a healthy choice. I’m not going to get into whether drugs are generally bad or not, but it’s important to keep in mind that if you’re already in a depressed mood, substance use is only a temporary block, and can be unpredictable. Especially if you already suffer from depression or are at risk of it, the substance use may make things even worse.

A more effective way is to deal with emotions face to face, and then move on. Instead of avoiding that shitty feeling, ride though it. Have your cries. Go ahead and tell yourself you’re worthless. Scream and yell. Talk to a friend. Hug a friend. And then, when you’re ready, acknowledge the fact that not everybody feels the same way about you as your date did, even though it might seem like it right then. If you need, have another cry. Go see your friend again. Lather, rinse, repeat. And finally, go on another date. Because the fact is that there are plenty of people who wouldn’t even blink at dating a trans person.

Which comes to my next point: this is discrimination. And anyone who discriminates is a douchebag, no matter what. So draw on that. Ultimately, most of us want to get to a point with our dates where we can have a solid, healthy relationship. And someone who is going to use your gender identity as a crutch is not going to be able to maintain a healthy relationship. To put it another way, if someone rejects you because they’re trans, they’re not worth sticking around for in the first place. Only someone who can see past your history is going to be willing to put the effort into an honest relationship. Thus, being rejected can ultimately be a good thing – you’ve just filtered out another asshole that’s not worth your time.

Question: How do you cope with a date gone sour?