It’s wonderful when a partner sticks with a person through a transition. Transition can often lead to healthier, more honest relationships. Coming out to a spouse can make the bond between them stronger. Unfortunately, this isn’t often the case. More frequently, partners can be torn apart as they both struggle through the various relationship issues that are created by one’s transition.
When someone transitions, it’s not just the one transitioning who needs to transition – transition can affect everyone around them. This is especially true of a spouse or long term partner. One area in which partners of trans people are particularly affected is with their sexual orientation. Often when someone transitions, the spouse or partner is left questioning their sexual orientation as the trans partner goes through their changes.
One thing for the spouse to remember is that the partner’s transition does not change your orientation. If you were straight before your partner’s transition, you will continue to be straight. Likewise, if you are gay, then you will continue to be gay. Another thing to remember about sexual orientation is that sexual behaviour doesn’t neccesarily reflect your orientation. There are plenty of gay and lesbian people who have had heterosexual sex. Having sex with your transgender partner does not automatically change your sexual orientation.
With that said, however, it also doesn’t mean that your sexual orientation is completely static. While it’s well established that one’s sexual orientation does not change, it can be somewhat fluid. This means that, even if you may be gay, due to the bond you share with your trans partner, you may still find yourself attracted to her. On the other hand, you may not. Regardless, your partner is not to blame. Just as you are struggling with your sexual identity, so is your trans partner.
Should you find that you are not attracted to your partner due to the change in their gender, breaking up is your best option. Holding on to a relationship that is slowly dying is not a healthy choice for either partner. Though it will likely be a painful process for both, you’ll both be better off for it.
The idea that sexual orientation is based on which set of genitals one is attracted to is a myth. Your sexual orientation is based on the gender of the person you are attracted to, not the physical sex. This is why many straight men have been attracted to trans women; when they meet the person, they see their gender long before they are able to determine their physical sex. You may find yourself pleasantly suprised to remain attracted to your partner even if they pursue SRS!
Question: How has your partner’s transition changed how you view your sexual orientation?
Good article; I enjoyed the read. However I find the use of ‘gender’ as a term problematic in this article. The mainstream discourse on gender either pegs it as being socially constructed, or something innate that we’re born with. So when you write ‘change in their gender’, how does it qualify with the identity of a trans person explaining that their sex is ‘x’, but gender is ‘y’. Once they begin to transition, would they be in your view changing genders, or just their gender presentation to match their innate sense of gender? We’re playing with the term a lot here, so I’d appreciate a clarification or a more precise use of gender~ Thanks!